Divorcing a narcissist.

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one the hardest things to do, the process seems to go on forever, you often feel like the boundaries are changing, and as you agree to something the narcissist changes his or her mind and wants more as if you have ripped them off by taking too much.  It really is a game of cat and mouse, but unfortunately one that has to be played.  Many many victims walk away taking nothing and claiming nothing just to be free of the abuse and control.  But if you want more then the process will wear you down, so you will need to be prepared for it.

A first hand experience of divorcing a narcissist

In my case my ex was a clever man, as most narcissists are and didn’t have a lawyer, most of the time, although I think he would have received his fair share of free initial consultations, as he knew what he was doing.  He would constantly contact my lawyer, send her letters, phone calls and play games that cost me money.  I had to change lawyers after I had spent 10k with the first one and had absolutely no outcome at all.  He told me he would send me broke if I continued with her as he would not comply, so I knew I had to change legal firms and it had to be a man.  The 2nd lawyer was my savior, he had thick skin and could deal with all the crap, also a fixed price was essential so I knew what the costs would be.

I also gave up the idea of getting 65% as the initial lawyer said I was entitled to and it came right down to settling to get him out of my life.  Which eventually equated to about 25% as ALL the costs, home repairs, rates, mortgage, divorce, absolutely everything was mounting and through his shrewd negotiation, became all my responsibility, including credit card debt from and after the marriage finished, helping the children set up and relocate in new homes and a lot more. Unfortunately fighting with your ex narcissistic spouse will only exasperate the situation, he will get meaner and meaner, you know, he thinks you need to be punished. In your marriage you would have found ways of getting around your ex or calming the waters when you knew he was going to explode, well this is just the same, divorce is just another game to be played, so use these tactics to make it a little easier.

But I am free now and never have to talk to him again, so it was worth it.

Top 10 Tips when divorcing a Narcissist:

New life vs old life sign

1.  Be Quick

Get through the divorce as quickly as possible so you can put your own life back on track, remember they will want to draw it out to inflict more pain on you and punish you even further.

2.  Play the game

You will never win, but you may get a little bit further if you caress his ego so you can get what you want after looking like you have given in to him.  They will want everything you want, not because they want it, but to get back at you, so ask for everything, then you have a chance of getting things you really do want.

3.  Cut communication

Cut all unnecessary communication.  NEVER ring him or just talk to him.  Block their number from your phone so you can’t get their calls and you can’t call them either.  Let the solicitors do all the communicating.

4.  Go to new places

Don’t hang out in places you might bump into him, create a new surrounding with new friends, in other words move away, go somewhere new.

5.  Engage a coach

Get yourself a coach, mentor or healer who understands and knows all about narcissism from a personal view point, they will be able to help you move forward, this is not an ordinary divorce between 2 people who fell out of love, otherwise they won’t believe the extent of your stories.

6.  Start new things

Create a new life, join new groups, get out and do things for you, create new memories, ones that you can now think about when you find your mind going to places it doesn’t need to anymore.

7.  Find past positives

Reflect on the positive in being in a relationship with that person, they taught you so much, write a list and make this what you look back on, it will change your mind and thoughts looking at it as a wonderful opportunity for learning. Without it you wouldn’t be who you are today, and the new you is worth celebrating.

8.  Change your mindset

Start a new daily ritual with a gratitude journal and saying positive affirmations which head you in the direction you want to live in your new life to help increase your self worth which has probably taken a battering.

9.  Dream big

Imagine, envisage and dream about what you want your future life to look like. Make a plan of action to take to create that future.  Each night before going to sleep visualise your new life and taking the steps to get there.

10. Enjoy and celebrate

Your new freedom has arrived. Have plenty of fun in your life, which was probably something that was lacking before, so make it a priority.

I promise if you follow these steps to get through all the emotional crap you are carrying, when you can look back, you will laugh at all the games, maybe people won’t believe your stories, but it doesn’t matter anymore, as they are only stories.

But I am free now and never have to talk to him again, so it was worth it.

– Lorene Roberts